Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story