My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
For real 🤣
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”