My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.