My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”