Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Breaking news:

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.