my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
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One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
seems like a niche market
tis the season
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in