my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
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The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My biological clock is wheezing.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.