my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.