my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled