Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore