My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan