My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Bringing back this classic
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
