My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
