My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
For those that worship cheese..
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Love this one 😂🧟
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
