My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
