My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me too door. Me too.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
