My professor is 74 and he isn’t confident using Zoom so he’s prerecorded the rest of our classes. Today, I watched the first one. He has a Pinocchio doll in the front row because he isn’t comfortable teaching to an empty room. I’m social distancing for this man and this man only.

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[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…


Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.


[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new


Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁


Just sang & made up multiple lyrics w/ actions to “If you’re happy & u know it” for thirty minutes… In case u need help writing that novel


I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.


[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]