A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Zack Greinke stories are the best