*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Does the “Dirty Dancing” lift to the pizza delivery guy.
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁
Just sang & made up multiple lyrics w/ actions to “If you’re happy & u know it” for thirty minutes… In case u need help writing that novel
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]