My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Florida be like…
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Cat is stressing him out.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag