my professor scared me for a second
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i’m sure it’s fine
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
this is the greatest thing ever
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
tourist season
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.