My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
two people or more is called a problem
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I came this close!!!!
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.