My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Good morning.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
LMFAOOOO
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.