@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

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@thebitchyfairy

My colleague was embarrassed that her son was still in his pjs at noon, but I have no room to judge given that I’ve been in my pjs since March.

@ericonederful

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger and you’re feeding them into a wood chipper

@eedrk

“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right

@HaliPhacks

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

@lustgIoss

Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog