My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too