My colleague was embarrassed that her son was still in his pjs at noon, but I have no room to judge given that I’ve been in my pjs since March.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger and you’re feeding them into a wood chipper
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog