@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

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@CynthiaJEllis

News: Ireland has now legalized ecstasy, meth, and mushrooms due to an unexpected legal loophole.
In other news: I have a plane to catch.

@Maxine12333

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

@steeve_again

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

@VisionBored1

My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable

@johnbiehl

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

@garrettbarry70

My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.

@hellohappy_time

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.