My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”