My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.