Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.