my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
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iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I like long walks away from everyone
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.