my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
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The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.