My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I am yelling
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.