My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
You Might Also Like
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!