My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Probably my best painting.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.