my proudest tweet
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[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.