My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Comparing yourself to others
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.