Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

hmmmmmm

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

I falcon love using swear birds

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.