My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Bless you
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division