My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat