@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

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@fuzzlime

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

@mommajessiec

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

@JustaFunEscape

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

@sween

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

@bulls_horns

25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.

@seamusmckracken

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.