My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
pelicons
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”