My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”