My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.