My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
#Caturday
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.