Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak