My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
You Might Also Like
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.