Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

The struggle is real.