Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

This was my dad’s browser history.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.