Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

me doing my best

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out