My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
You Might Also Like
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.