My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
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Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Put the is in disheveled
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11