My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?