my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
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The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
⚰
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Effort made
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.