my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
You Might Also Like
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Nomnomnomnom
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur