my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
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What if the weather talks about us?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.