One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*