My purse is deeper than some people.

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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.


Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.


the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:


PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.


you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak


Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.


Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line


I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..


[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
ok um
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*


Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst