@LBelle1

My purse is deeper than some people.

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@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

@dshack8

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@Mr_Kapowski

[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”

Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?

Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]

@badbanana

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

@CEHudspeth

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga