My purse is deeper than some people.
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too