My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Hell yeah 👍
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
