My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
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If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀