[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.