Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Tuesday

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?