Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE