Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Wednesday

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Them: You should try keto
Me:

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Good morning

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

There is no try. There is only give up.

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

also my go-to takeaway order

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life