My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.