Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?