My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
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“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…