My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
You Might Also Like
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
This will never not be funny to me.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”