Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted