Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you