My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I used to put eggs in the trunk with the rest of the groceries but now that they are $9 a carton one of the kids can ride back there and the eggs can take a car seat
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.