My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
My love language is hissing.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.