My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
what?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Every photo I’m tagged in
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
this is funnier than any friends episode
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen