My rap name is When i$ Lunch
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My kitchen overserved me.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.