My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Where is that goddamn asteroid already