My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.