My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Not helping
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down