My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
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I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
what’s the point then??
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.