Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister