My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
