My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon